A little pick me up...

So this picture is a little old (Brighton is about 4 months in this picture) but she holds her bottle! She totally grabs the end of it. I am still trying to figure out my Iphoto library on my mac, so I am only posting this pic, but I figured that after my last post, I need to apologize and give a little pick me up...and Brighton does just that. I wrote the last post in the heat of the moment...which is not good for me, but I wrote how I felt nonetheless. Well, my little girl is amazing! (no I am not bragging...okay, I am!) She laughs and talks and rolls around and man I love this little buggy girl! More pics to come...more RECENT pics to come....laters!

yes...i absolutely am.

For the few of you who read this blog....if by the end or middle or beginning of reading this post, you are asking yourselves, "is she really writing about this?" The answer is yes. Damn yes, hell yes and all the other explitives I won't write here but am absolutely feeling. I am angry. I am so mad I could spit fire from my eyeballs. If looks could kill, they would right now... I mean you could actually look at me and you would be dead (not only because I actually look like death, but because I am MAD!) Okay, here it is. A drug is a drug. Pain killers, tobacco, heroine, cocaine, nicotine...They are all addictive. ALL!!!! Would anyone out there rather have someone they love take one over the other? Doesn't taking any of them result in being unworthy to go to the Temple, practice the Priesthood( i.e blessings)? What the HELL is the point of a 20,000 dollar rehab if you are okay with tobacco afterwards? 20,000 dollars that NO ONE has the money for....nevermind the thousands of money that is being paid in your behalf for the dumb ass mistakes YOU made. And He is saving your behind...not the other way around. You are damn lucky he is yours because any other Dad would not. And in my heart of hearts, I blame him to. Someone that I love and respect so much...is a major part of this problem. Really. I mean, I don't get it. I want to punch both of you in the face...

updates

I know, total slacker with blogging anything worth while these days...sorry. We blessed Brighton on May 3rd. It was amazing, and she was an absolute angel...no crying in the circle. Grandma Krissy bought this blessing dress when I had her in the hospital, the UVRMC gift shop freakin' rocks! Although Brighton is almost 6 months now(what the crap?!?!) her 4 month stats are as follows: 9 lbs, below the 3rd percentile for weight, a touch above the 3 percentile for head circumference, and 25 percentil for height...she is a string bean. I took her swimming one day at my sis in laws place and um, yeah, they don't make swim diapers small enough for this squirt...so if she happened to squirt, it would definitely get in the pool. Notice the fringe on the back of her head....honestly, it is so funny. And the top picture is her 4 month mark. Isn't she the cutest? I love her. We recently started rice cereal, and she is not the most coordinated at eating it, I hope it comes eventually. And when Robb and I weigh her on our scale, she weighs almost 12 lbs. I wish I could lose 12 lbs. But it was all worth it for this little spaz of a girl. I would give anything for this little lady. She is my best bud.

The Jones's

What is it in my post baby weight filled body that has continued over the years to feel the exhausting need to keep up with the Jones's. You may know them...it is pretty much everyone in Utah...and anyone I know. Now in reading this you may immediately think to yourself "wow, Annie is absolutely, positively the most ungrateful human being on the planet..." and I am sure a plethura of other things are running through your mind. Well, I might very well be ungrateful. But I am not trying to be ungrateful and thus the pit digging begins and I find myself a billion feet down and I might as well be worm food. Whether it be a nicer car, a bigger house, an amazing wardrobe, a darling nursery, a fabulous body(especially the teeny bop moms with a body to die for after several kids) a great homemaker and mother....just about everything I find my jealousy button on overload and I am not quite sure how to stop it and get perspective. I figure if I could just get away from the here I might find solace from the jealousy jabs that constantly poke at my heart and mind that bring me no joy at all, but all that comes is absolute guilt that is as thick as the frosting on the Sprinkles cupcakes I made last night....thick, full of fat, and not good for me...but irresistable. Hmmm, I think I need some serious help. A mental health professional? Unfortunately I am pretty sure that all the mental health professionals in the world could not help me...and thus I lead my life in frustration and helpless-ness at the fact that there will always be the Jones's and there will always be someone better than I. I will never be the best...or wait, forget the best....better, I would settle for better.